So, I was reading tonite, and had an epiphany.The book is called, " I Was Told There'd Be Cake" by Sloane crosley.It's a book of witty, sarcastic essays about her life in many different stages. Any way, she was talking about her name defining her-well, sort of. Her mother named her after a character in a movie and she was trying to "find herself" through the character. She hoped she would find out the character did sometihng well or was strong or special and that was what she was supposed to be. This got me to thinking about what defines me . What makes me special. What makes me...me. I realized, I have no idea who I am. Well, Maybe a partial idea..but not enough to draw an outline.The list of what I DO know:
1. I'm a VERY loyal and extremely zealous partner.
2. I'm a mother and my child is going to be my good friend and probably my saving grace.
3.I'm silly because it's a source of happiness in a very ugly world sometimes.
4.I like to poke fun at things because it keeps me from being too serious and I don't want to find myself scowling all the time unaware of it.
5.Despite my outter layer of making fun of everything, I'm good. My heart is good. I have a love for everything and on some level everyone.
6.My mind is always buzzing- day dreaming. Not about magical fantasies. I daydream of scenarios. What i would do if... What i would say. I'm constantly having conversations in my brain. not sounding sane here.
7.I'm socially awkward. In highschool this was ok. I didn't have to say much and it was acceptable. Now, I am supposed to be a grown-up which means being social and aimiable. It will affect my family if I don't attempt to socialize. I'm not good at it and everyone notices.
8.Writing is my way of effectively communicating with people, albeit one-sided.
9.Average in looks and smarts and getting used to the idea.
10.Love to sing, but realize that most of the time, the voices I resemble are not voices I care for. Not cool.
11.A bit of a whack job. I have some OCD in me, sprinkled with an urge to control the things that happen, dosed with jealousy and vanity. Ok, so maybe vanity isn't the word. I find myself always scanning over photos and checking mirrors, not because I think so highly of myself certainly. More that I am hoping to make sense of my outward appearance. It's like looking at your face for awhile until it's out of focus and for a brief moment you seem different. Kind of similar to when you are talking or writing and you get to an otherwise normal word and for some unexplained reason it doesn't look or sound right. I guess in some ways, you are hoping that people see you differently that you see yourself.
12.I have a strict guideline of certain morales That I don't stray from- EVER. About these things, there are no gray areas.
Things I DON'T know:
1.What am I interested in? What do I reeeeally like?
2.What are my skills or potential skills?
3.What are my hobbies?
4.What am I becoming?
5.What is the core of me? Meaning, if EVERYTHING else fell apart, what would I be? What would remain?I know that these things are constantly changing through our lives and that it's normal to question identity. It's very frustrating though. When you reach these pondering moments in life it's like having alzheimers. You feel like these are things you are supposed to know, but can't seem to make sense of them or put them in their place. I think I need to work on creating my identity.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
My Misanthropy : The Break Down of Human Nature
Watching Perfection fall from its state of grace
seeing it all come undone
realizing I've seen things unclearly
because I've been staring into the sun
I'm holding its face in my hands
and trying to piece it together
the clouds block out the sun
and my view shifts with the weather
Everything starts to make sense
and I all can do is just stare
my first time seeing perfection
without shielding my eyes from the glare
My mind is breaking it down
and my heart is drawing conclusions
my eyes are filling with tears
as I'm unravelling all my delusions
All this time what I thought was perfect
was victim to human nature
only flawless to me
and imperfect like any creature
So I've watched perfection fall
from its state of grace
I tried to mend its pieces
and I've held it's pure face
Now all I can do is remember
my bliss in ignorance
with the opening of my eyes
to the epiphanies that I've had since
Knowing that I was naive
that there's no such thing as perfection
the pieces become part of me
as I stare at them in my reflection
Now I long for when I was naive
before I understood
when the truth was made clear to me
that you take that bad with the good
I know that it's not perfection
I see its flaws with my eyes
but it's painful to feel the deception
I'd rather believe the lies
So I'm choosing to look past the problems
keeping my eyes opened wide
searching perfection's heart over
for the purity I know is inside.
seeing it all come undone
realizing I've seen things unclearly
because I've been staring into the sun
I'm holding its face in my hands
and trying to piece it together
the clouds block out the sun
and my view shifts with the weather
Everything starts to make sense
and I all can do is just stare
my first time seeing perfection
without shielding my eyes from the glare
My mind is breaking it down
and my heart is drawing conclusions
my eyes are filling with tears
as I'm unravelling all my delusions
All this time what I thought was perfect
was victim to human nature
only flawless to me
and imperfect like any creature
So I've watched perfection fall
from its state of grace
I tried to mend its pieces
and I've held it's pure face
Now all I can do is remember
my bliss in ignorance
with the opening of my eyes
to the epiphanies that I've had since
Knowing that I was naive
that there's no such thing as perfection
the pieces become part of me
as I stare at them in my reflection
Now I long for when I was naive
before I understood
when the truth was made clear to me
that you take that bad with the good
I know that it's not perfection
I see its flaws with my eyes
but it's painful to feel the deception
I'd rather believe the lies
So I'm choosing to look past the problems
keeping my eyes opened wide
searching perfection's heart over
for the purity I know is inside.
Sphere of Consciousness
walking in circles around the room
around my mind
all the time
i'm thinking on the inside
blinking on the out
muscle memory
habits hide doubt
dreaming in circles
in my room
in my mind
all the time
it's in everything
everywhere you go
you see it all around you
it's everything you know
speaking in circles
in my room
in my mind
all the time
i'm listening to myself
trying to talk hope down
treading my feet
and trying not to drown
i'm rationalizing in circles
in my room
in my mind all the time
not sure where i'm going
just following the lines
left from those before me
seeing what i will find
i'm seeking in circles
outside my room
outside my mind
all the time
sense seems so lost
in places i can't see
in places i can't go
but where i'm meant to be
i'm stepping out of circles
inside my life
inside my mind
to forget time
around my mind
all the time
i'm thinking on the inside
blinking on the out
muscle memory
habits hide doubt
dreaming in circles
in my room
in my mind
all the time
it's in everything
everywhere you go
you see it all around you
it's everything you know
speaking in circles
in my room
in my mind
all the time
i'm listening to myself
trying to talk hope down
treading my feet
and trying not to drown
i'm rationalizing in circles
in my room
in my mind all the time
not sure where i'm going
just following the lines
left from those before me
seeing what i will find
i'm seeking in circles
outside my room
outside my mind
all the time
sense seems so lost
in places i can't see
in places i can't go
but where i'm meant to be
i'm stepping out of circles
inside my life
inside my mind
to forget time
Raison D'etre
I've got a little bit of the writing bug on my hands tonite. It doesn't show up very often these days. I suppose sometimes that is a good thing. I've been having a lot of thoughts lately about where people, more honestly, where I fit into the big picture. I just mean pertaining to life here, not in an after life sort of way. There's such fuzzy logic most of the time as to what we are meant to be or how we are meant to look. I think with so much media and brainwashing, it becomes very easy to forget what real life is. It becomes very easy to think that you are meant to look like women on magazine covers or fit into a size 1 pair of jeans. That you should never have days where you don't look airbrushed and that your hair should always fall just so. I guess lately i've been trying to put myself in my place; to decide exactly what it is I am truely MEANT to be and not what cookie cutter shape i've been trying to wedge myself into. I was given this form and this brain to work with-nothing more and nothing less. I'm not belittling myself certainly. That would be ignorant and ungrateful...but to always expect more out of myself when it's not there would be equally as foolish. It's not always easy to accept what you are. It is much easier to always be working toward becoming something else. Working toward a new shape or style. Attempting to better yourself just so you can be something other than what you are. I am in no way saying that is wrong to move forward...but it's wrong to do it just so you can be LIKE something or someone else. I find myself comparing what i am to what others are. I think that's probably the only way that you actually get a view of yourself. if you had nothing to compare yourself to, how would you know? how would you know you were smart unless there were people smarter or less educated than you? how would you know what beautiful was unless there was also normality? I realize that there have to be every day people-the filler. It's not that they are any less important, but they aren't what is noticed by the mass. they are the people that are in the backgrounds of pictures and passing you on the street. I came to the conclusion that it is ok to just be ordinary; to never be the highlight of a story or the beauty in a photograph. Ordinary is just the day in and day out of life. I think that's really where i fall, and I'm ok with that. Ordinary is getting up with a two year old and watching disney movies while perusing your social networks that keep you connected to the outside world. It's not ever putting on a fancy dress or curling your hair to go out. It's letting go of friends that always expect you to have those exciting stories about your conquests and spotlight moments from the evening before because you don't live that life style. Ordinary people will lead lives that no one writes about in a memoir. They won't remembered from their photographs 200 years from now, they're just the cousins of someone impressive or the friend of someone who did something. That's not to say ordinary people can't do extraordinary things. However, outside the people who love them, it won't be seen as anything special or interesting. It's the orinary people-or the filler- who hold everything else together. I think we're meant to be the people who push the extraordinary people around us to do the things they will be remembered for. We're the ones who devote ourselves to helping them move forward and reach their potential. I would hope that if i were remembered for something, it would be the love i have for my family; Not the way that I look or what I know. I think that would be something. I'm just a normal girl. I look ordinary, I'm not brilliant, I don't have some amazing skill to offer, but I have an overwhelming love for my husband and son that could never be broken or damaged. It never falters. that is where this ordinary girl is extraordinary. That's what I have to offer. That is why I am here.
15 of My Favorite Movie quotes
1."We were up to our elbows in your underwear drawer. It was like touching the Shroud of Turin."
2. " I thought all writers drank to excess and beat their wives. You know one time I secretly wanted to be a writer. "
3."Happy - smile. Sad - frown. Use the corresponding face for the corresponding emotion. "
4."Right. And she's terrible partial to the periwinkle blue, boys. Have I made myself clear, lads?"
5."Everything you are doing is bad. I want you to know this. "
6."Run mad as often as you choose but do not faint."
7." I don't smoke, I only drink champagne when I'm lucky enough to get it, my hair is naturally natural, I live alone... and so do you."
8."You are so beautiful! Your eyes! Your whiskers! I have to kiss you!"
9."I think... no, I am positive... that you are the most unattractive man I have ever met in my entire life. You know, in the short time we've been together, you have demonstrated EVERY loathsome characteristic of the male personality and even discovered a few new ones. You are physically repulsive, intellectually retarded, you're morally reprehensible, vulgar, insensitive, selfish, stupid, you have no taste, a lousy sense of humor and you smell. You're not even interesting enough to make me sick. "
10."It nice it happen to you. Like you come to the island and had a holiday. Sun didn't burn you red-red, just brown. You sleep and no mosquito eat you. But the truth is, it bound to happen if you stay long enough. So take that nice picture you got in your head home with you, but don't be fooled. We lonely here mostly too. If we lucky, maybe, we got some nice pictures to take with us. "
11."I should let you know that Mr Heiss will only be available to meet for about five minutes, so we should hurry up and cut to the point. Um, and speak in short sentences because he has the attention span of a ferret on crystal meth. "
12."Higher, higher, burning fire, making music like a choir! "
13."You mistake me, my dear. I have the utmost respect for your nerves. They've been my constant companion these twenty years. "
14. " I've had a really lousy Christmas, you've *just* managed to kill my New Year's, if you come back on Easter- you can burn down my apartment. "
15."But wouldn't it be great if Number One this Christmas wasn't some smug teenager, but an old ex-heroin addict searching for a comeback at any price?"
2. " I thought all writers drank to excess and beat their wives. You know one time I secretly wanted to be a writer. "
3."Happy - smile. Sad - frown. Use the corresponding face for the corresponding emotion. "
4."Right. And she's terrible partial to the periwinkle blue, boys. Have I made myself clear, lads?"
5."Everything you are doing is bad. I want you to know this. "
6."Run mad as often as you choose but do not faint."
7." I don't smoke, I only drink champagne when I'm lucky enough to get it, my hair is naturally natural, I live alone... and so do you."
8."You are so beautiful! Your eyes! Your whiskers! I have to kiss you!"
9."I think... no, I am positive... that you are the most unattractive man I have ever met in my entire life. You know, in the short time we've been together, you have demonstrated EVERY loathsome characteristic of the male personality and even discovered a few new ones. You are physically repulsive, intellectually retarded, you're morally reprehensible, vulgar, insensitive, selfish, stupid, you have no taste, a lousy sense of humor and you smell. You're not even interesting enough to make me sick. "
10."It nice it happen to you. Like you come to the island and had a holiday. Sun didn't burn you red-red, just brown. You sleep and no mosquito eat you. But the truth is, it bound to happen if you stay long enough. So take that nice picture you got in your head home with you, but don't be fooled. We lonely here mostly too. If we lucky, maybe, we got some nice pictures to take with us. "
11."I should let you know that Mr Heiss will only be available to meet for about five minutes, so we should hurry up and cut to the point. Um, and speak in short sentences because he has the attention span of a ferret on crystal meth. "
12."Higher, higher, burning fire, making music like a choir! "
13."You mistake me, my dear. I have the utmost respect for your nerves. They've been my constant companion these twenty years. "
14. " I've had a really lousy Christmas, you've *just* managed to kill my New Year's, if you come back on Easter- you can burn down my apartment. "
15."But wouldn't it be great if Number One this Christmas wasn't some smug teenager, but an old ex-heroin addict searching for a comeback at any price?"
The Strangeness of Dreams
I had a dream that I was in a fancy restaurant and someone messed up my fruit salad. So...naturally, Eddie Izzard made me a new one and then I followed him around the restaurant chit chatting. Did I mention that outside of the restaurant the world was under attack? What could be more natural than eating fruit salad with Eddie Izzard when the world is falling apart? My dreams are strange.
This is going to be a regular section. Fact is that I have some amazingly odd dreams that all involve famous people of sorts.
This is going to be a regular section. Fact is that I have some amazingly odd dreams that all involve famous people of sorts.
The Horrendously Long Dislike List
-undercooked chicken/pork/fish...sometimes beef -greasy fingers
-public restrooms
-when my socks get dirty after walking on someone's dirty floors
-how batteries never last as long as i think they should
-james taylor
-reality tv
-jimmy buffett
-sharing earphones that go IN your ears
-raw mushrooms
-pekingnese dogs
-hearing about the swine flu
-the begees
-turtle necks
- lace (most of the time)
-the inside of the car being dirty
-coffee
-dark chocolate
-shiny clothing
-stupid comedies ( most of the time)
-hannah montana/miley cyrus
-obnoxiously loud base
-cigarette smoke coming from anywhere
-uneven sidewalks
-long waiting lists to order things or borrow books from the library
-when my hands fall asleep while i'm sleeping
-sleeping with wet hair
-stupid ringtones on cell phones
-neon colored clothing....(again...most of the time)
-the smell of mold
-the color combination of yellow/orange/brown...in anything except nature...usually
-big lavish weddings
-expensive beds
-how thrift stores are starting to rip people off by asking too much for stuff
-the band kiss
-when the weather channel gets the weather wrong
-airports
-when people never get off their cell phones
-high pitches that appliances let off sometimes
- the smell of popcorn (usually)
-the inside of taxi cabs
-solicitation calls that are pre-recorded that make it sould like someone is actually talking to you -when movies i like end
-when bottled water has a weird taste
-andy warhol
-pop radio stations
-sales that aren't really sales at all
-when you talk on the phone and it starts to get hot next to your face
-junky sequels to good movies just to make some quick money
-dora the explorer
-fast food
-buffets
-the ends of the bread
-the idea of counting calories or dieting
-the song "land down under", "africa" maybe just anything about countries/continents...? except sinatra's of course that's all for now...i'm sure more will come.
-public restrooms
-when my socks get dirty after walking on someone's dirty floors
-how batteries never last as long as i think they should
-james taylor
-reality tv
-jimmy buffett
-sharing earphones that go IN your ears
-raw mushrooms
-pekingnese dogs
-hearing about the swine flu
-the begees
-turtle necks
- lace (most of the time)
-the inside of the car being dirty
-coffee
-dark chocolate
-shiny clothing
-stupid comedies ( most of the time)
-hannah montana/miley cyrus
-obnoxiously loud base
-cigarette smoke coming from anywhere
-uneven sidewalks
-long waiting lists to order things or borrow books from the library
-when my hands fall asleep while i'm sleeping
-sleeping with wet hair
-stupid ringtones on cell phones
-neon colored clothing....(again...most of the time)
-the smell of mold
-the color combination of yellow/orange/brown...in anything except nature...usually
-big lavish weddings
-expensive beds
-how thrift stores are starting to rip people off by asking too much for stuff
-the band kiss
-when the weather channel gets the weather wrong
-airports
-when people never get off their cell phones
-high pitches that appliances let off sometimes
- the smell of popcorn (usually)
-the inside of taxi cabs
-solicitation calls that are pre-recorded that make it sould like someone is actually talking to you -when movies i like end
-when bottled water has a weird taste
-andy warhol
-pop radio stations
-sales that aren't really sales at all
-when you talk on the phone and it starts to get hot next to your face
-junky sequels to good movies just to make some quick money
-dora the explorer
-fast food
-buffets
-the ends of the bread
-the idea of counting calories or dieting
-the song "land down under", "africa" maybe just anything about countries/continents...? except sinatra's of course that's all for now...i'm sure more will come.
The General...In General
I think a lot of the time my thoughts don't come out in a coherent manner. It's as if I am dyslexic. it makes sense to me, but no one else could make anything of it. I used to put it to paper and some how it seemed to make some sort of shape; Something recognizable. I should probably start doing that again. I haven't written in a long time. Well, I tried to about a year ago and it just seemed so juvenile. it was really garbage. there are a lot of topics i don' talk about to anyone. one of which is religion. I never talk about religion to anyone. I just always feel that I can't put how I feel into words. Ithink it's really the one time that words seem so worthless. It's such an easy topic to offend or stir up argument. Both are outcomes I don't want. I just like being able to say what is on my mind without argument. I'm not saying it to get your feedback about what or how I should believe. I'm simply saying it. I have no problem with feedback about what you believe. It's a tough subject for me. i don't do politics. i don't think i am informed enough to discuss the going on's of the government. That's one of the main reasons I don't participate in voting. I don't think you should make a decision on a person to represent you if you don't know them or what they are about. Another problem there is that I don't think I could believe what they told me any way. they are just saying what they think I want to hear. There isn't enough Truth in the world. My mind is just reeling and there is no one around to talk to. The late hours when i was by myself used to be my most artistic and contemplative. now, I'm usually just trying to relax and get things tied up so I can go to sleep. I was thinking about what a friend told me today about how people often see everything as beginning and end, black and white, good or bad. I think that's my short coming. it's also where my trouble with being judgemental stems from. I can't seem to get past the good or bad issue. Really, I feel once someone does something bad that they ARE bad. I have always felt a feeling of misanthropy; people are basically bad. I think that is probably holding me back from seeing the bigger picture. I need to change that. There is no truth in it.
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